The Miracle of Self Forgiveness
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The Miracle of Self-Forgiveness
Summary
By embracing my past, I ignited a gift of compassion that I now share with those I teach and counsel. The miracle of forgiveness is the deep love I share with my first-born daughter, a love enriched from the moment we reunited.
Article
Our hearts melded into one in an instant recognition during that first hug. After 36 years, two bodies reunited, but our spirits had never been apart. That moment filled the gap of time, proving that a mother-daughter bond is unbreakable. Shame, guilt, and remorse fed our separation, but only forgiveness could extinguish the flames and complete the circle of love.
Thirty-six years ago, I gave birth to my first daughter and placed her for adoption. Heartbroken by the decision to honor my parents' wishes not to marry my first love, I emerged as an "unwed mother" with deep emotional scars. I buried the pain, picking up my life as if nothing had happened. My denial was so successful that, over the years, I couldn't even remember her birth date.
How, then, years later, with four children and two marriages behind me, did I find myself in a spiritual counseling class alongside six other women who shared my past? We were all birth mothers. Our shared secret became our bond, and we envisioned a ministry to support everyone affected by adoption: adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. It was a noble idea, requiring us to heal ourselves first to be available to others.
We embarked on the painful journey of dredging up our pasts. Individually, we faced demons of guilt, shame, anger, and self-recrimination, moving at our own paces. Together, we prayed for one another and all who shared our pain. We created the Adoption Triad Ministry at The Agape Center of Truth in Los Angeles, inviting people touched by adoption to share their stories and join in prayer each month. We encouraged dialogue among adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents to seek understanding of each unique emotional journey. Some of us, including me, began searching for our children or parents. My quest to find my daughter revealed my personal Pandora's box.
In an environment of prayer and spiritual guidance, I found the courage to confront my walls of defense and denial. The process was agonizing. I faced the pain I caused my family by becoming pregnant as a teenager and confronted my self-loathing for not fighting harder for my mate and child. I accepted the shame and guilt from the views of my childhood church and society in 1961. I admitted my rage at my parents for interrupting my fantasy of a perfect family and at my boyfriend for not fighting for me. During my search, I had to recall the difficult circumstances of her birth, which nearly overwhelmed me. My drive to find her and express my love kept me going.
As I searched and prayed, I began to forgive. Through my spiritual studies to become a counselor, I realized that without forgiveness, I couldn't free myself from negative self-judgment. To welcome my daughter openly, I needed to find the good in being her birth mother. I understood that the healing miracle I sought required releasing guilt, shame, and blame.
"Seventy times seven," Jesus taught about forgiveness ?" as often as necessary. I was progressing in forgiving others in my story ?" my parents, first love, church, and society. It was time to forgive myself. I had crucified myself with self-blame and shame for so long that letting go felt foreign.
I started with compassion for my younger self, a teen in love who only wanted to express that love. I listened to that 19-year-old’s pain of loss and isolation, pain so severe she shut off her heart. I consoled her, promised love, and vowed to protect her from future pain. The I AM of me, my God Self, forgave her for beliefs of being a "bad girl" or a "cause of pain to others."
Years of forgiving layers of self-recrimination have truly freed me. Letting go of the past has given me a new life. Now, I hold gratitude: for myself, my family, my first love, and my pregnancy. Embracing my past ignited a gift of compassion, which I share with those I teach and counsel. The miracle of forgiveness is the profound love I share with my first-born daughter, enriched from the moment we hugged.
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