What Is a Boundary
Below is a MRR and PLR article in category Society -> subcategory Relationships.
Understanding Boundaries
What Is a Boundary?
Word Count: 761
Summary:
Clients often tell me they've set a boundary by declaring, "I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public," or "I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on." However, this isn't really setting a boundary.
Keywords:
Setting boundaries, establishing boundaries
Article Body:
Many of my clients believe they're setting boundaries by instructing others on how to behave. For instance, they might say, "I told him he must stop putting me down in public," or "I told her she has to be punctual."
This approach misses the essence of a true boundary. A boundary isn't about directing someone else's actions but rather informing them of your plan should their behavior continue. While it’s challenging to accept, we can't control another person's actions. What we can control is our response to their behavior.
A boundary involves expressing your truth and committing to an action. For example:
- "I’m not willing to be in public with you if you put me down. If it happens again, I’ll inform everyone and leave, taking my own transport."
- "I won’t be late to events anymore due to your tardiness. Next time, if you're late, I’ll go without you, and if it persists, I’ll take separate cars."
- "Your constant criticism is hurtful. If it continues, I'll let you know how I feel and leave the room."
Follow through with the actions you've stated; otherwise, your words become manipulative rather than truthful. A boundary only holds meaning if you’re prepared to act on it.
The complexity arises with your intent. If your aim is to control the other person rather than care for yourself, your statement and action become forms of manipulation. When you aim to take responsibility for yourself, your tone remains calm and factual, simply informing the other person of your actions. If your aim is control, your tone becomes angry and accusatory, with closed-off energy.
Intent is hard to conceal?"it will always manifest through your energy and tone. No matter how you mask an intent to control, the other person will likely sense it and respond with their own controlling behavior.
Real personal power emerges with the intent to love and care for yourself, not control others. Attempting to control others often leads to frustration and a feeling of powerlessness.
The real challenge lies in taking loving actions for yourself. To truly care for yourself, you must let go of the outcome regarding the other person's feelings and reactions. If you're focused on controlling how the other person feels, you’ll struggle to take compassionate actions. Concerns like, "He’ll be hurt if I leave the party," or "She’ll be furious if I leave without her," can prevent you from doing what's best for yourself.
Practicing self-compassion means being willing to take full responsibility for your own feelings, rather than expecting someone else to, or trying to control another's emotions. It means you’re prepared for the possibility of the other person being upset with you, rather than enduring unkind treatment.
People often reflect how we treat ourselves. By tolerating mistreatment, you signal that it's acceptable. When you prioritize caring for yourself in the face of others' unkind behavior, you’ll usually find that others respect you and treat you better.
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