How to Survive An Evil Cult Humor
Below is a MRR and PLR article in category Society -> subcategory Other.
How to Survive an Evil Cult (Humor)
Summary:
Don't dwell on past cult rituals as evil; just consider them learning experiences.Keywords:
Cults, humor, JK Ellis, mind control, hypnosis, NLP---
Here are some lighthearted tips for budding evil cult leaders and their devoted followers:
1. Stick to One Faith: Avoid becoming a dabbler. Commitment is key.
2. Know Sacrificial Guidelines: Ensure you meet the criteria for sacrificial victims. You don’t want surprises during ceremonies.
3. Avoid Extreme Penalties: If failure leads to death or mutilation, perhaps consider serving a more forgiving deity.
4. Pronunciation Practice: Don’t embarrass yourself by mispronouncing the deity’s name. Practice at home?"flash cards can help!
5. Supernatural Impregnation: Before agreeing to any celestial pregnancies, check the survival rates of past participants.
6. Size Matters: Never summon anything bigger than your own head.
7. Beware of Young Followers: Avoid groups where everyone is young; retirement plans may be unpleasant.
8. Jewelry Warnings: Steer clear of cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds. It's a hazard and warns heroes of your presence.
9. Candle Protocol: Say no to citronella candles. Also avoid pastel animals; they’re like sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
10. Lighting Concerns: Fluorescent lights annoy netherworldly beings.
11. Black Mass Tips: If things go south, give the Evil Priest some space. Demons often target the arrogant.
12. Safety with Artifacts: If a relic starts glowing, take heed and CLOSE YOUR EYES.
13. Cattle Sacrifice Note: Avoid cattle with testicles.
14. Ritual Etiquette: Taking sacrificial bits home isn't classy.
15. Avoid Drug-Induced Confusions: Drugs don't mix with rituals. You need to distinguish between monsters that need silver bullets and ones that will simply fade away.
16. Stay Flexible: Piety is powerful, but gods often favor those with more firepower. Be ready to switch allegiances quickly.
17. Sacrifice Substitutes: In a pinch, you might trick lower demons with a microwaved, previously frozen victim. However, a SPAM sculpture won’t cut it.
18. Reconsider Your Victims: Instead of choosing innocent young people, opt for those like mass murderers or unpopular lawyers?"they're less missed.
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Above all, remember: in the world of evil cults, discretion and humor can be your best companions!
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