Just Say No To Sex Dr. Coburn Shows You How
Below is a MRR and PLR article in category Arts Entertainment -> subcategory Humor.
Just Say No to Sex: Dr. Coburn Shows You How
Title:
Just Say No to Sex ?" Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
Summary:
This is an extended spoof presented in 10 installments of four pages each. We’re on the sixth installment now. If you missed any, check below each new segment for previous ones.
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"Good. You won't regret it. She knows the material almost as well as I do." With that, he handed Dan a copy of Playboy. "Review the material while I get her."
"Yes, doctor," Dan replied, accepting his assignment.
He looked at the centerfold as Dr. Coburn went to fetch the guest instructor.
"I like this course!" Dan thought.
Glancing around to ensure he was alone, he took out his cell phone. In hushed tones, he said, "Hey, Eddie, guess what? Cockburn's having Melanie give me a private lesson… I kid you not… Double or nothing. Fifty bucks says I make it with her. Deal!... Maybe not today, but you can kiss your fifty bucks goodbye." Just then, Melanie knocked on the door. "Gotta go," he concluded, resuming his look at the magazine.
When Melanie entered, he greeted her. She noticed his focus on the pages.
"Studying hard?"
"Very hard," he replied, referring to his assignment from her dad. Putting the magazine aside, he commented, "Ah, the consolations of mere ink."
"Oh, this is such a joke!" she exclaimed.
"I don't know what you mean."
"Yeah, right. Who are you kidding, Dan? You couldn't care less about saying no to sex."
"You really think that after two weeks of lessons?"
"Of course. You're here like every other guy."
"For what?"
"Mexico."
"Oh, you mean Texaco?"
She gritted her teeth. "Tyrannosaurus Rex."
"Melanie, it's okay to say it. You mean sex?"
"You would bring it up. Yes, that's what I mean."
"Sorry, babes. Your dad mentioned you're giving me a lesson?"
"You should be so lucky."
"Melanie, you always listen to him. Let's get started."
"This is ridiculous!" she lamented. Then she relented. "Fine, but stay right there."
"On the couch?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to sit beside me?"
"No way. Remember? Closeness must be avoided."
"You're right. Slipped my mind for a moment."
"Don’t let it happen again, okay?"
"You have my word."
"Ready?"
"Ready," he said, adjusting himself slightly.
"Stand up and the lesson ends. Got it?"
"Got it."
"First, let’s review. Axiom one?"
"Sure. Sex leads to pregnancy. Pregnancy leads to overpopulation. Therefore, sex must be avoided. Thoughts?"
"Do you believe it? Axiom two?"
"Easy. Sex can lead to STDs. STDs can lead to death. Therefore, sex must be avoided."
"And how much sex have you avoided lately?"
"As much as possible."
"Details. Last week? How many girls?"
"Truthfully, I haven't touched a woman since I started with your dad," he said convincingly. "You don't believe me?"
"What's the rumor about you and two cheerleaders?"
"No idea how it started."
"True or not?"
"Of course not. Would I do that, especially after what I've learned?"
"I asked Dad about them."
"You did? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Don't be ridiculous,' but I’m not sure what he meant. Sometimes, he struggles with certain topics. You must think he's a jerk."
"How can you say that after all my dedication?"
"And what about me?"
"You're wonderful. A bit reserved, but wonderful."
"Reserved? That's code for 'Melanie's a jerk.' Well, screw it. I don’t care."
"Whatever you say, Melanie. You're like the official campus virgin, and I think it's great."
"Oh, sure. It's not as easy as you think."
"It isn't?"
"No, with guys like you hitting on me," she softened slightly. "I'm only human." Then, firm again. "Which makes me proud of my reluctance."
"Reluctance? So maybe you'll be willing someday?"
"None of your business. I'm proud because I'm the natural remedy for overpopulation, the heartbreak of abortion, the scourge of AIDS, and more."
"I think I get it, but tell me in your words."
"I'm proud because of what I prevent and influence."
"Come on, Mel. What do Mexico, Texaco, and Tyrannosaurus Rex remind you of?"
"S-E-X. What does that spell?"
"Sex," she finally said.
"Good. Let's move on. Why do people like sex?"
"Because they're misguided."
"No, because it gives them pleasure."
"Pl-, pl-, pleasure!"
"Excellent, Melanie! There's hope."
"Enough," she said. "I have to leave."
"But you're supposed to give me a lesson."
"Behave yourself, OK? I'm who I am, and I'm staying that way. Got it?"
"Got it. I admire you."
"You're such a liar."
"No, seriously. I want to be a great example of your dad's method too."
"I'll believe it when I see it."
"Okay, listen. I've been sharing this with the football team. They'll study with your dad too."
"You're kidding?"
"No, I mean it. Think of the publicity. Imagine the school paper headline: 'Entire Football Team Swears Off Sex.'"
"That would be amazing," she softened. "Do you find me attractive?"
"Honestly, I did. Had dreams about you. But not anymore."
"You had dreams about me?"
"Yeah. Couldn't help it. Will I learn to avoid wet dreams?"
"They were that intense?"
"Yeah, I'm just a normal guy."
"Depends on your definition. All girls think you're a hunk."
"What do you think?"
"You're very handsome."
"Really?"
"Uh-huh. But I know too well what handsome men can lead to."
"I know that axiom too. It leads to feminine arousal. And beautiful women?"
"Masculine arousal."
"Exactly. I confess, Melanie, I'm still attracted to you."
"I knew it!"
"Does that bother you?"
"No, but it makes being careful essential around you."
"Same here."
"You should go," she said, standing up.
"No, Melanie. I just need more education."
"It won't make a difference."
"It will, I promise. Teach me. I'm all yours."
"What's the point?"
"I can learn. Prove it with something advanced."
"What do you mean?" she asked, sitting back down.
"Try to get me excited."
"Why would I do that?"
"So I can show resistance. I promise, I'm stronger now."
"It's what?"
"Skip it. Teach me, beyond mere ink."
"You're getting carried away."
"Then give me the next rule. I long for advanced study," he said, eyes meeting hers. Dr. Coburn’s method seemed to waver.
"The next rule?" she asked softly.
"Please, give it to me."
"Seventy."
"What about sixty-nine?"
"We skip it," she replied, feigning seriousness. "Unfortunate associations."
"Fine, seventy. Quick, I need axioms."
"Yes, Dan," she whispered. "Kissing leads to arousal."
"More, I need more when I’m near you."
"You do?"
"Badly. I want a Ph.D. in your dad's method."
"You do? How much do you want it?"
"So much?"" He lost his cool, embraced her, and kissed her deeply.
Melanie enjoyed it briefly but then recalled her lessons. "We should stop."
"No, no. We’re gaining each other."
"Please, Dan. Control yourself."
Realizing her need for space, he let go. "Sorry, Mel. Don’t test me too early. I'm still a sexual undergraduate. Wild for you."
"Are you?"
"Maybe I’ll never pass. Around you, I could fail."
"Better leave," she said, steadying herself.
"You mean that?"
"Please," her voice held a trace of desperation.
"I'll tell you what. Give me time, and I’ll learn not to be attracted to you. I want to learn. Without you, imagine the danger I'd be in."
"One more chance, if you control yourself."
"Good. I'm ready."
"Concentrate on everything I say. No fooling around."
"My word."
"Review axiom twenty-nine."
"About sitting close?"
"Yes. It leads to touching. Touching leads..."
He joined her, finishing the axiom: "to kissing. Therefore, sitting close must be avoided."
"Very good," she said.
Just then, Dr. Coburn returned, tapping on the door, "Class in progress?"
"Yes, Daddy."
"Keep it up. I’ll review the bookstore material."
"Okay," she replied, continuing to drill Dan, who did his best to be a dedicated student.
End of Installment Six
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