Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How
Below is a MRR and PLR article in category Arts Entertainment -> subcategory Humor.
Just Say No to Sex: Dr. Coburn’s Guide to Abstinence
Summary:
This is the third installment in our humorous series of ten. Catch up with previous parts on our site if needed. Enjoy this playful satire!
Keywords:
humor, comedy, satire, political satire, laugh, joke, news, spoof, skit
Article Body:
Dr. Coburn took a moment to gather his thoughts, then reached for another copy of his book from the shelf. After signing it, he headed to the den.
"All set?" he asked.
"Yes, sir," Dan replied. "Got everything sorted out, and I even received a copy of your book."
"Great," Dr. Coburn nodded. "But this one’s special?"an autographed version."
"Wow, thanks, Dr. Coburn," Dan exclaimed, reading the inscription. "To Dan Fox: I know you can do it, kid. Abstinently yours, Dr. Coburn. Amazing!"
"My pleasure," Dr. Coburn said warmly. "Initially, we'll work closely together."
"Sounds great, sir."
"Then, as you progress, Melanie can assist."
"But Daddy!" Melanie objected.
"Please, dear. I’ll need your help with the expected influx of students. Are you okay with that?"
"Alright," she conceded.
"Good." Dr. Coburn turned back to Dan. "Let’s begin."
"Ready," Dan agreed.
"Can I leave now?" Melanie asked.
"Of course, dear. Dan and I will need some time."
"Have fun," she said to Dan, leaving with a confident stride.
Dr. Coburn turned to Dan. "For the first week, you'll need total immersion."
"Let’s do it."
"Mind if I get explicit?" Dr. Coburn asked sternly.
"If it’s necessary," Dan replied.
"Precisely. We must address the issue head-on. Have a seat."
Dan sat on the couch as Dr. Coburn began. "Why must we say no to sex? Think carefully."
"Well, sir..." Dan hesitated.
"I'll tell you. You carry within you the potential to overpopulate the world or risk exposure to STDs. Understand?"
"Yes, sir. But I practice safe sex," Dan interjected.
"No such thing as truly safe sex," Dr. Coburn argued. "The safest option? Keep it in your pants."
"I don't use that kind of language," Dan confessed.
"What do you call it?"
"My love maker."
"Interesting. Call it what you will. Just keep it in your pants. Got it?"
"Yes, doctor."
"Excellent. Now, what does the word sex make you think of?"
"Want me to be honest?" Dan asked.
"Of course."
"Women."
"Therein lies the problem?"a fundamental association we must redefine."
"What should I think of then?"
"Watch this demonstration." Dr. Coburn called out, "Melanie, can you come in for a moment?"
Melanie entered cautiously. "What is it, Daddy?"
"When I say sex, what do you think of?"
"Tyrannosaurus Rex."
"Good. And as reinforcement?"
"Texaco."
"See, Dan? With practice, you'll think like that too."
"How do you manage, Melanie?" Dan inquired.
"Daddy will explain."
"Through sound association," Dr. Coburn explained. "The word 'sex' triggers 'Rex' or 'Tex.' No distractions from the usual meaning."
"Like sex-Tex?" Dan asked.
"Exactly. This counters any seductive attempts. You’re armed with three associations against one word."
"So, if someone tempts me with 'Let's have sex,' I think..."
"Tyrannosaurus Rex!"
"And if they persist?"
"Texaco."
"And if that doesn't work?"
"Mexico."
"Sex-Mex?"
"Precisely. You have an arsenal of counter-thoughts."
"Understood."
"Now you're equipped to resist. Outnumber any temptation."
"That's smart," Dan admitted, glancing at Melanie. "If someone insists, I can counter: Tyrannosaurus Rex, Texaco, Mexico!"
"Perfect. You'll master this in no time."
"I'm amazed," Dan said.
"Stick with me, son. We've only begun your no-sex education."
"Daddy, can I speak with you for a moment?" Melanie requested.
"Of course, dear."
"Privately."
"Excuse us, Dan."
Dr. Coburn followed Melanie out, leaving Dan smiling triumphantly.
"Dad," Melanie said, "he's not sincere."
"What do you mean?"
"He's been chasing me all year."
"Really? Glad you mentioned it."
"I think it's about his ego."
"Don't worry. He’ll change. I promise."
"If you say so," she replied, less convinced.
"Trust me, dear. Soon, he’ll be indifferent as a lion without teeth."
"Can I go now? I have studies to attend to."
"Of course."
Melanie headed upstairs, and Dr. Coburn returned to Dan.
"Everything okay?" Dan asked.
"Just a misunderstanding. Melanie thought you weren't sincere."
"Me? I’d never disrespect her or your method."
"Good to hear. We have more to cover."
"Let's dive in," Dan encouraged.
End of Third Installment
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