Just Say No To Sex
Below is a MRR and PLR article in category Arts Entertainment -> subcategory Humor.
Just Say No to Sex
Word Count
2214
Article Body
Extended spoof presented in 10 installments, each 4 pages long. This is the second installment. Previous ones are available on this site.
Dr. Coburn responded confidently, "These young people are earnest in their intentions. They truly want to help save the world and believe they've found a practical way to do so."
"But can your linguistic tricks really hold back their burgeoning desires?" his colleague asked skeptically.
"Until they're safely married, I hope. And I expect that my most devoted students will continue to practice moderation even in wedlock."
"The reality is, they'd all be safer just using condoms," his colleague interjected.
"Condoms? Let’s not bring those up. They’re so unnatural," he replied with disdain, before being cut off.
"Let time reveal the truth," she sighed. "Your lack of scientific understanding is your greatest liability. Your ideas are so cobwebbed, you can’t see beyond them."
"Cobwebs to you, perhaps. But to me, they're compassionate conservatism!"
"Indeed, bringing back outdated ideas as if they're revolutionary! What a relic!" she mocked.
He leaned forward, firm in his conviction. "Prepare yourself, Priscilla. My approach will make your programs and research obsolete."
"Doctor Coburn, you're treading dangerously without the necessary knowledge," she cautioned.
"Ignorant! Insensitive! Dangerous? These are the trials of every innovator," he replied, undeterred.
"Please, don’t compare yourself to Freud. Your method is laughably unrealistic."
"Dr. Ernst, I dislike the word 'cockamamie'. It's so crude."
She sighed. "Your ignorance is staggering. Surely you're aware of the dire issues of today?"unplanned pregnancies, overpopulation, STDs. Mother Nature has us by the throat."
"Tsk, tsk, Priscilla! Such language."
“Well, would you prefer I say 'by the ovaries'?”
"Don’t undermine my method. It’s a new approach, not just contraceptives or research fantasies. It’s practical and actionable."
"Oh, Dickie," she said playfully.
"Priscilla, you know I don't like that name."
"Sorry, dear," she smiled. "But surely, you suspect that human nature will overpower your so-called method. How can you hope your ideas will resist the inevitable tide of desire? Especially for the young, the poor, and the indulgent?"
"My approach isn't just about saying no to sex. It's about empowering the will with axioms as solid as Euclidean geometry."
"That’s not very convincing."
"Because you're unwilling to accept that I've found the gold?"solid gold logic," he insisted. "Take my First Axiom of Abstinence, for example: Sex leads to pregnancy. Pregnancy leads to overpopulation. Therefore, avoid sex."
"The logic isn’t the problem; it’s the unrealistic compliance you envision."
"Mock if you must, Priscilla. More students are believing in my enlightened method."
"To learn to say no to sex, amidst all temptations? I’d still prefer condoms."
"Dr. Ernst, mentioning my name alongside that haphazard solution!"
At that moment, the doorbell interrupted their exchange. "Ah, that must be my new star applicant, Dan Fox."
"Fox? Surely you're joking."
"He's serious. He applied just before you arrived."
Melanie, entering the room, seemed upset. "Dan Fox? Why is he here?"
"He wants to enroll in my course."
"He's the last guy to?""
"Melanie, don't judge so quickly. Please, get the door."
She reluctantly agreed, allowing Dan in.
"Hello, Mr. Coburn. Dr. Ernst," Dan greeted them.
"Welcome, Dan. I appreciate your decision to study my methods."
"Thank you. I believe it's the responsible choice, given all the issues sex can cause."
"Admirable," Dr. Coburn praised. "Mind over body?"the ancient Greeks had it right."
"Indeed," Dr. Ernst smirked, "the girls say you're quite irresistible."
"It’s not my fault. I was born this way," Dan shrugged.
"Focus that energy on football, then," Dr. Coburn advised.
"What makes you think Dr. Coburn's method will work for you, Dan?" Dr. Ernst probed.
"I’ve heard it emphasizes mental strength, which I value," Dan replied. "Just like in football, you need mind over body."
Dr. Coburn beamed. "I have great faith in you, Dan."
This seemed to bother Melanie. "Dad, can we talk?"
"Later, dear. Meanwhile, help Dan with the paperwork."
She reluctantly led Dan away.
"What do you think?" Dr. Coburn asked.
"Oh, I have faith in him," Dr. Ernst replied sarcastically. "Did you see how he looked at your daughter?"
"No, everything seemed normal."
"And why do you think Melanie was so uneasy? She may be infatuated."
"Melanie? Never," he dismissed.
"Let's make a deal," Dr. Ernst proposed. "Teach him your method. Then arrange for him and Melanie to be alone one evening."
"Alone?"
"Yes, to test his willpower. If he resists, I'll support your cause. If he falters, you’ll stop promoting your method."
"But what about Melanie's feelings?"
"If your method is sound, she’ll be conducting a risk-free task."
"True... the potential success is enticing."
"So, do we have a deal?"
"Yes, we do."
"Good luck, Richard. You'll need it."
"And you too, Priscilla."
With that, they shook hands and parted ways, ready to embark on their unconventional experiment.
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