Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Below is a MRR and PLR article in category Arts Entertainment -> subcategory Humor.
Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Summary:
Joey, a movie enthusiast with fond memories of Jimmy Cagney, finds himself more in debt than ever. Surrounded by bill collectors, he's forced into a comedic standoff reminiscent of classic gangster films.
Keywords: humor, comedy, satire, political satire, laugh, joke, news, spoof, skit
Article Body:
Joey peeked through the warehouse window as spotlights scanned the area. "Never, you lousy bill collectors!" he shouted before ducking back down. Haunted by dreams of debt, he saw himself as Jimmy Cagney, complete with a dusty black suit, open shirt, and a trusty bottle of whiskey.
“Joey, do you hear me?” called the Verizon customer service rep through a bullhorn. “This is Verizon.”
“What do you want?” Joey replied.
“This is your final disconnect notice.”
“Already?” Joey said, scanning the pile of bills on the floor. He found the Verizon invoice. “I’ve got it right here. It’s only fifteen days overdue. Don't I get a month or two?”
“Not anymore, kid. You’ve got a lousy payment record.”
“What do you want me to do?” Joey didn’t have the funds. As a freelance journalist, his income was unstable. He had finally sold a piece to Travel & Leisure, but the check was still in the mail.
Officer O’Hara lifted his bullhorn. “Joey, come out with your checkbook open?"or else!”
“Or else what, you dirty copper?” Joey quipped back.
“If you don’t, we interrupt your outgoing service. Three days later, say goodbye to incoming calls?"and DSL Internet,” the Verizon rep warned.
“No, not my DSL! I’m a freelance writer. Without email, I’m finished. Have some mercy! I’ve been with you for over ten years!”
“Sorry, Joey. We play by the rules.”
Now, the Con Ed rep took the bullhorn. "Joey, do you know who this is? Con Ed."
“What do you want?”
“Your electric bill is overdue.”
“I’ll give you arrears!” Joey shouted, and mooned the crowd.
“Watch it, kid,” Officer O’Hara cautioned. “That’s indecent exposure.”
“I don’t care. At least I won’t pay for room and board,” Joey replied.
A lawyer jumped in, “I have a message from your landlord.”
Joey groaned, “Not that too!” He rubbed his temples in frustration.
“You’re over a month behind!” The lawyer held an eviction notice. “You have to vacate in three days.”
The Con Ed rep resumed, “This is your final notice. Pay today or it’s lights out!”
“I mailed a check,” Joey lied.
“When?”
“Tuesday.”
“That’s what you said last week. It’s February! You could freeze without electricity.”
“No worries,” the lawyer said, tying a document to a rock and throwing it through Joey’s window. “Read it and weep!”
Joey picked up the eviction notice, muttering, "The pressure! How can I take all this pressure?" He shouted back, “You’ll never take me alive!”
Officer O’Hara pleaded, “Be reasonable, Joey. No phone, no lights, no heat. What kind of life is that?”
“I need time. There’s really a check in the mail?"to me!”
The crowd chuckled.
“For real!” Joey insisted. “It’s from Travel & Leisure. They owe me almost three grand.”
“Almost three grand?” Verizon inquired.
“Any day now,” Joey claimed. “It’s in the mail.”
“A mail check?” the lawyer scoffed. “We’ve heard better.”
“Travel & Leisure always pays on time. If that’s not enough, I’ll pay with my checking plus account.”
The Citibank rep took over, “Joey, you already used up your checking plus.”
“All of it?”
“Worse, you crossed the credit line. We bounced three checks.”
“Who to?”
“The Chinese Laundry, the Korean fruit market, and Blockbuster.”
“Not Blockbuster! I’ll never rent a DVD again.”
“Tough luck. Your credit score is too low.”
Just then, a woman said, “Please let me talk to Joey.”
“Who are you?” Officer O’Hara asked.
“I’m his mother.”
“Go ahead.”
Taking the bullhorn, Joey’s mom called, “Joey?”
“Is that you, Ma?”
“Yes, Joey. I’m sorry about all this, son. I’d help if I could.”
“I need a grand, Ma. I’ll pay it back.”
“I can only spare a hundred until my social security comes in.”
“A hundred?”
“Sorry, Joey, it’s all I can do.”
“That’s alright, Ma. I’m too deep. You keep it.”
“I love you.”
“Yeah, I know, Ma.”
Suddenly, a mail truck arrived. The mailman jumped out, “Never fear, the mail is here!”
“Got my check?” Joey asked.
The mailman held up a white envelope. “Right here, Joey.”
“See that, you dirty rats?” Joey stood up. “I got the check!”
The lawyer confirmed, “It’s from Travel & Leisure.”
“Hallelujah!” the crowd cheered.
Joey emerged, proud and relieved, holding the check as his mother hugged him, teary-eyed.
“Problems solved, kid. Just pay up, and you’re good to stay,” the lawyer assured him.
The Verizon rep grinned. “You got all the service you need, including DSL.”
“Citibank is even considering a credit increase!” added the rep.
“Really? Whaddaya know? Just shows what an ordinary guy can achieve with a check,” Joey said, kissing the envelope.
He was finally free?"of debts and worries?"as he slipped into a much deeper sleep.
You can find the original non-AI version of this article here: Come Out With Your Checkbook Open.
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